I’m Awful Volume I: The Weatherman

While many people may want to come back in their next life as a world leader or maybe a movie star, I want nothing more than to come back as a Weatherman. I say Weatherman because meteorologist implies there’s some type of science involved and there clearly fucking isn’t.  When you Google Meteorologist, the images come up show more avatars, studio workers, and douchey people than they do the modern convention of the the Weatherman. You’ll notice the emphasis on Weatherman only out of sheer convenience. If anything, women should be happy that they aren’t lotted in with the social albatross that is the modern day medecine man. No one cares what you have to say because you’re awful.

To put things into perspective, can you think of a job where you could be right never of the time and still keep your job? Even further into perspective, in baseball, you could bat .300 (meaning you got a hit 3 out of every 10 at bats for those of you who like soccer, fags) for your entire career and you are nearly assured of the Hall of Fame. Seriously? the American past time only requires 30% efficiency and weather we accept from failed abortions at whatever they give us?

Here’s how I get the weather. I look out my fucking window. If I want advanced notice, I call my sister in Indiana. The end.

36 Hour forecast? I’m skeptical. 3 day forecast? I doubt it. 10 day forecast? GO FUCK YOURSELF IN THE EAR, SHIT AIN’T NEVER GONNA BE RIGHT YOU PIECE OF WANNA BE SCIENTIFIC CUM DUMPSTER!!!

Just saying, it would be amazing to be wrong, everyday, and have everyone be thankful when I was right. I’d imagine it’s the same bliss a kid with down syndrome feels. 

-The Friendly Asshole

The Emergency Broadcast System - Annoying everyone since.. it was invented.

This is still the most archaic piece of shit in existence. Literally, our government spends money on maintaining a system that’s legitimately as outdated as a town crier to disseminate information. Emergency Broadcast System? Really? Not once in my entire remembered life has it offered anything other than a test to ensure it’s working. And for what? The only time I can think it was needed was on 9/11. You know why I didn’t hear it then? BECAUSE EVERY FUCKING STATION PREEMPTED THEIR PROGRAMMING FOR SOMETHING IMPORTANT!!!

The most prolific moment in time for the Emergency System and it was utterly unneeded. I can just picture two old men manning the EBS board, hearing about the WTC and being like:

“HERE’S OUR MOMENT! THE WAIT HAS BEEN WORTH IT!!!”

Only to have every news outlet, every radio station, every single telephone buzzing with the news. In this day and age, I think it’s probably time to move past the equivalent of the air raid siren and use current technology to spread the word about catastrophic events. Between Twitter and Facebook, 99% of the world is covered.

The 1% that may have needed the EBS will be happy that their last moments on Earth didn’t involved missing a contestant’s answer on Jeopardy because of the old school modem sounds blaring from their tv. If that was the only thing that may have saved them from their eminent demise, natural selection has run it’s course. Thank you Darwin. 

-The Friendly Asshole 

And the award goes to… Ricky Gervais

Hey Hollywood, is it difficult to walk from your mansion to your Bentley with all the sand falling out of your collective vaginas? Maybe, and I’m just spit-balling here, you should all learn to relax a little and accept that along with all your fame and money that people are going to laugh at your expense. I promise that tomorrow when you wake up you’ll still be rich and famous, albeit still without a sense of humor. 

Ricky Gervais took some shots at celebrities and you’d think he murdered puppies the way the media reacted. How dare he try and have a little fun and knock the elite down a peg. I mean, it’s not the producers of the Golden Globes had any idea what his brand of comedy is like. He’s never hosted an awards show before so they really didn’t know what they were getting themselves into, right? Oh wait. That’s right. He fucking hosted last year and did the exact same thing.

Breathe Hollywood. Ricky Gervais is as brilliant as he is offensive to some, but behind every joke there’s a little truth and the beautiful people of cinema and TV dont often like to be reminded that they’re human and have flaws. You have to do something really well to get roasted, take it as a compliment not an insult. If you can’t laugh at yourself… don’t worry, we all will because you’re fucking morons. 

-The Friendly Asshole

And it begins, bitches…

Alright so after holding back for quite awhile, I’ve decided to start sharing some thoughts with all of you. In reality, I’m just taking this as an opportunity to vent and complain about everything and anything that is important. To me. 

You’re welcome.

-The Friendly Asshole